ANNEX 2 : ‘PERSONAL CONTACT’ CASE STUDIES

min1

1 P Place

B

----- ------ (eves only) S ---- ---

3.12.95

Dear Sirs

I do hope you’ll be able to offer some help and advice. I am actually writing to your association for advice. I work with a male colleague who, at present, is experiencing some very emotional difficulties with access to his two daughters, who are now resident with his ex-wife (who was recently given the Resident’s Order by my colleague – he was actually granted this by the Courts, and had his daughters for over a year and a half. I believe his ex-wife is withholding his contact visits, without the consent or knowledge of the Courts, he is supposed to collect his daughters for weekends and an overnight stay during the week and, at present, this is not happening.

He needs advice and support from preferably another person who has been in his position (I have not). I am very concerned that these disasters are having an enormous effect on this man, and I don’t seem to be able to help. We are both qualified social workers, but he is unable to use or apply any of his professional skills to his situation. At this stage I feel unsure of giving you his address, name, etc as I am unsure of his reaction. Is it possible one of your members can contact me, as I feel he may not welcome my help/interference, but may respect you.

Yours faithfully

Ms C N

30 B Avenue

C

S ---- ---

17th December 1995

Dear Friends

I have become involved again in litigation brought by my daughters’ mother to reduce my contact with them. Unfortunately, the existing contact is perceived as "generous" which it is compared to that allowed on average. However, it is not when the fact that I was their primary carer for eight years (a fact disputed by their mother, needless to say) is taken into account.

Firstly, I thought you might be interested in the attached summary I made about the conduct of District Judge K-B at S H during our "conciliation appointment" last week. Incidentally, I suspect the bias was due to the other side speaking to him and/or the CWO before we entered the courtroom; is this not considered unethical?

Secondly, I would like to receive a copy of the FNF publication "How to deal with Family Court Welfare Officers" by John Baker, for which I enclose (as a member) a cheque for �2.50.

Finally, I would be grateful for any tactical advice you may have to help me.

Best regards

P H

Comments on the conduct of District Judge K-B
at the conciliation appointment, 13/12/95

Judge K-B’s first statement, after saying he did not have a copy of the Order, was that the contact was "extraordinary, most unusually generous". He said several times I had "too much contact already" and disagreed with MR’s view of the importance of additional staying (or any other) contact with the non-resident parent over that now proposed by them.

He pressured me to give specific proposals. I said I though mediation was the appropriate route to a solution. He said "this is mediation" and demanded a specific proposal. I argued that it would take discussion to reach a proper solution, but, accepting that mediation had proved difficult, we should speak to a mediator separately and so should the children. Then we should be able to reach an agreement as reasonable people, based on the mediator’s findings.

Not good enough, he wants specific proposals. I suggested one afternoon and night mid-week contact (with staying) plus half-terms. He asked B if that was acceptable. B said "no ...", going on to explain. Judge K-B interrupted "that’s enough, no need to go on". He asked for another proposal and I suggested in general terms having extra holiday instead of midweek contact (I might have mentioned more weekends in line with my elder daughter’s preference of every weekend). Judge K-B reacted identically, cutting off B again and saying it was quite unacceptable to have the children "spend so much time away from home". NB: M R’s (family therapy expert) opinion that it is good for children of divorcees to consider they have two homes.

After the failure to get agreement via the CWO, Judge K-B said that "regrettably, despite the lengthy period allowed, you have failed to reach agreement ..." and issued directions. The lengthy period was half an hour – to settle a complex dispute involving the lives of children which an experienced and expert mediator had always said would take several hour-long meetings.

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(NB: This note of an extempore judgement has been prepared at the request of Mr H and with the assistance of his contemporaneous note. Mrs H’ Solicitors were requested to provide their, and their counsel’s, notes of the judgement for my assistance but did not do so.)

This is an application by the father, Mr H, for access. There are three children of the marriage, D (born 22 April 1976), I (born 19 April 1978) and K (born 13 October 1986). K was 18 months old at the time the parties separated.

Counsel for Mrs H asserts that the boys are not willing to meet their father and in those circumstances Mr H does not pursue his request for "direct" access to them, but says that he will continue to write. He complains, however, that he receives no information about their general welfare and would like the mother, directly, or through a third party, to provide information. He wishes to telephone at Christmas and on birthdays. Counsel for Mrs H says that she will ask the boys to write but cannot guarantee that they will because they say that they do not want their father to know what they are doing.

In these circumstances Mr H does not ask me to make any order for access to the boys. All I can do is express the view that it is unfortunate that Mr H is deprived of day-to-day information about their interests to help him understand how the boys are developing as individuals, and that no-one is inclined to give him the information.

It is, on the material before me, clear that Mrs H feels justifiably that Mr H breached her trust by carrying on the affair, the discovery of which led to the breakdown of the marriage. Unhappily she has indoctrinated the boys with her view that there should, as a result, be no further contact with their father. With boys who have reached the age of these two a Judge cannot sensibly enforce contact. I express the hope that her moral virtues will have some place for mercy and forgiveness so as to encourage the children to speak on the telephone to their father and to respond to his letters.

In my view she is not helping them develop as full and rounded adults by inculcating into them her desire to cut off all contact with their father. I accept that in material things they are properly provided for and have a loving and stable home. But Mr H is entitled to write and telephone the boys and I urge Mrs H to encourage them to respond.

So far as K is concerned, there was access until after Christmas. The final visit was unsuccessful and the meeting traumatic. Mrs H suggests that K does not want contact with her father. I have no doubt that the problem is that K lives in surroundings where she is expected not to want contact and that there is pressure from her mother and brothers which militates against her enjoying access.

Mrs H denies that she has tried to cut off communication between K and her father. That may be technically true, but having read Mrs H’ Affidavit, which is one of the most spiteful and full of bile that I have ever read, it is plain that silently, if not overtly, she does her level best to stop K seeing her father.

It is understandable that she has bitterness to Mr H as someone who has betrayed her trust, but it is sad and unfortunate that someone so self-righteous cannot include in their morality any charity or the realisation of the benefits that a continuing bond between K and her father would bring or of the disadvantages to K from not seeing her father, who is a loving and deeply concerned father.

The difficulty is that, against the background the mother has induced, it would single K out for pressure and disapproval if access continued. I have to weigh on the one hand those difficulties, upsets and traumas for K against, on the other, the less tangible benefits that access will bring.

It is a difficult balancing act and I have to be guided by the paramount interests of K. In forming my view I have been much assisted by the careful report and clear evidence of the Welfare Officer, Mrs He. In the present circumstances I have taken the view that, at present, owing to the unhelpful and negative attitude of Mrs H it is not appropriate to renew access. I have no doubt that Mr H is a loving father and that contact with K would be for her benefit, but for the way in which Mrs H has behaved. Mrs H talks loudly and clearly about morality, but her bitter behaviour might well be characterised as immoral. It would be desirable if she could extend her morality to include a measure of forgiveness and an appreciation of the benefits to K’s upbringing of her still seeing her father.

I have decided, with hesitation and regret, that at present it would be best for K if her father sought to develop his relationship with her through letters and telephone calls.

I hope Mrs H will take to heart what has been said and genuinely encourage the resumption of a proper relationship between the father and the children. No doubt that this will cause her difficulties at first, but she professes high standards, and therefore may feel that she should try to alter her behaviour for the future. With a more tolerant attitude, she may encourage the re-establishment of a real relationship between father and children in the future.

Application dismissed. No order as to costs.

min4

Dear Sirs

Please find enclosed my application to join your most welcome society. I am presently embroiled in a particularly messy divorce, which I feel is beginning to adversely affect my two young children.

My story starts about one month ago when my wife walked out of my family home without any warning, taking the children with her, whilst I was at work. From that point to this day I have not been allowed to see my children and feel that the way things are going that it will be some time before I will be able to, if ever.

My first course of action was to contact the police, reporting them as missing persons, naturally I was very worried about where they were and what was happening to them. They reported back to me that they were safe and well, but were unable to tell me where they were residing. At this point there was no more that I could do apart from going to the incredible expense of hiring a Private Detective to track them down. I allowed things to cool off at this point, still trying everything in my power to contact them – needless to say I did not succeed!

The matter came to a head, however, when I was served with papers for a divorce, an emergency one I might add, last Wednesday, and was expected to attend a Court hearing yesterday when an exclusion order was to be discussed.

I readily agreed to be excluded from my wife’s life, but would not agree to be excluded from my children’s. After discussions when my wife refused, through her Solicitor and Barrister, to allow any contact, it was agreed that I should have supervised access for three hours at two-weekly intervals at a contact centre in L, the first supposedly being this coming Saturday.

Today, just one day after the Court hearing, I spoke to my wife’s Solicitor who informed me that my children (aged 7 and 9) were not prepared to see me. I informed her that I thought that this stank! She also said that the children had thought more on the lines of seeing me once a month – remarkably grown up for their ages I would say!

As you can probably imagine, I am at my lowest ebb at present that I have been in the whole of my life. I feel that because of all this my children are actually being put "at risk" by the feminist organisation with whom they are presently resident.

I have to say that I desperately need help – I have not got the money to hire expensive legal advice as my wife left me heavily in debt and I am unable to claim much on the lines of Legal Aid. I love my children dearly and feel that I have been excluded from their lives for too long already.

I do hope that there will be some help that you can give me – you are my last hope – and I have to admit that I am at the end of my tether because of all of this.

My home phone number is at the head of this letter, or if you wish to contact me during working hours my phone number is ----- ------ ext 6347. Please contact me soon!

Yours in Great Anticipation

Mr M F

Dear Tim

I have received reply from the ----- and have enclosed copy for your information. My last letter to FNF has probably been misunderstood in that I state that trying to beat Solicitors and Judges at their own game is a pointless exercise. Nevertheless it is to be born in mind that, all things considered, I have not "lost" my case!

Our problem is political therefore my present line of attack is in depth political. The recent West case put the ----- in a bad light. Called upon to act on behalf of the West children, they did nothing. I have experienced the same response from them in my "case". The fact is that the ----- gave false information to the Court condemning me at the time of my divorce resulting in long separation for my children from me. During the whole of that time my children were at risk!

From the enclosed statistics it may be seen that the advertising material distributed by the ----- in repeatedly stating the "father" to be the perpetrator of child abuse is undoubtedly false. In that I am not a professional statistician I cannot offer exact breakdown on the cases wherein the true father (married husband) of the mother is responsible for abuse of the children of the family.

In my experience, which is considerable, I have found the true father of the children of the family to be protective of rather than the abuser of the children. I can only trust that you appreciate my point. Until we convince such organisations such as the ----- to be truthful in advertising or lose funding (money!) we, the "absent" parents, will continue to be exploited at the cost to/of our children.

Sincerely

P G

PS: Who has met the costs in the recent High Court case regarding Peter Malkins son?

(1) My name is A D. I was born on 20 September 1983 and I am now aged 11� years of age.

My father’s name is M D and he lives at 55 B Road, - -, - -- ---. My mother’s name is M M B W and she now lives at 12 S Crescent, - -, -, ----, Australia. She is now married to P E B W.

At the moment I am staying with my Dad and my grandparents, P and G D in - -. My younger brother, C, who is also staying in - - is aged 8� and was born on 3 May 1986.

(2) Since my mother and father divorced in 1993, C and I have been living with my mother. In April last year (1994), C and I went to live in Australia with my mother and stepfather. We first lived with my Aunty and Uncle in -. We stayed there for four months and then moved to my Step-Grandparents house. I started school at St D mixed Catholic School in - a week after I arrived. C also started St D at the same time.

On December 12 last year Christopher and I arrived in England to stay with Dad. We have been here since then.

(3) I had never wanted to go to Australia. I told Mum and tried not to go. When we went I was excited at first by being there and pleased to see relations. But after a month or so I really missed England and Dad and my family and friends. I counted off every week in my head. As it got to 21 weeks I was counting down. I tried to be happy in Australia but it is just impossible to be happy there. I felt different because I come from a different place and have a different accent. The other children at school explained things in different ways and did not understand the way I would explain things in England. I felt proud of how I did things. I told the other children I did not like Australia. They did not understand to start with but when I told them the full story they understood me and were shocked.

After a month I missed my Dad more. Mum was uptight and school was worse. There are so many things I miss about England. It disturbs me when I hear news about England on the television in Australia. I hear stories of snow-storms in Scotland and it reminds me of all the good times I had with my friends playing in the snow and how Mum wrecked it all by taking us to Australia. Out there we have no close friends. Life was good in England.

In Australia, on the other side of the world and so far away from family and friends, I can’t see them for eleven months and it’s so painful. I have more Uncles and Cousins here than I can mention.

I used to see them a lot. I’ve a big family here and out there I have not. My Mum and Aunty are the only close family I have in Australia.

I think 8-9 months is a long time, and long enough to decide if you like something. If I was asked where home was I would say England. I feel like Australia is my prison. I get out after 9 months and then it is like going back to jail.

In England I loved my school. I was doing really well. I had very very close friends who I grew up with.

I like the way England is. I like London, Cornwall, the countryside and the climate. I miss all these things. I hope that when this is read I will be understood. My feelings are really deep about me staying here. If someone could be in my boots then they would know how I feel.

Dad has always listened to what I’ve said. He always understands if there’s a problem. I go to him. He always listens to me.

I do not want to go back to Australia. I would ask for an appeal if I was sent. I would come back next year and do the same thing. I would have to be forced onto the plane. I would feel very very depressed if I go back.

Please, please look through this. I am begging you. I really want to stay here. I think it will ruin my life to be sent back.

I have spoken to C a lot about all of this and he asked for me to say that he feels the same way too.

I have been in my Solicitor’s office for 3� hours and I am too tired to write this statement out but everything in this statement is true.

min7

Dear Sir/Madam

I am writing concerning my boyfriend’s situation with his children since his divorce, and would be very grateful for any information/advice concerning this problem we are having with his ex-wife.

To give a brief description, my boyfriend has a been married for four years, then back in 1992 his wife had an affair and left him and their two young children, to live with the new man in her life. The relationship with that man fell apart, and four months later his wife snatched the children, filed for custody of them and got full custody and filed for divorce for which the decree absolute came through in 1993.

There is an arrangement, that my boyfriend has his two children (now aged two and four years) to stay with him every fortnight for a weekend.

Throughout this arrangement, his ex-wife has been totally unreasonable and the children’s fortnightly weekend stays have often been reduced to one-night stays with no reason but to satisfy the pleasure of annoying my boyfriend, with no thought towards how their children are feeling about it.

It has been seven months I have been living with my boyfriend, and irrelevant that his ex-wife had an affair, divorced him and has been living as common law man and wife with a man for over a year now, since I being on the scene, as you could call it, has aroused a lot of friction from her, which is affecting the children staying with us, and is heart breaking to see the children confused and disturbed being the brunt of the ex-wife’s vindictiveness.

For example, sending the children with summer clothes in winter and vice-versa and a lot of her malicious opinions drummed into the children (which is very disturbing) concerning their father and myself.

Both my boyfriend and I have been very patient during this time by not confronting his ex-wife, as she takes her stress out on the children a lot, about her unreasonable attitude and behaviour in hope that it would pass. Unfortunately it is only getting worse, and my patience broke yesterday on Sunday evening when we dropped the children off at their mother’s house.

I politely asked if she could send the children in future with the right season shoes and their wellies and raincoats just in case of bad weather. This only caused a lot of tension from her concerning the children staying with us again in the future.

My boyfriend and I are very worried and awaiting a call from his ex-wife denying access to the children.

This concerns us both a lot, as we have been told that if his ex-wife does deny access, my boyfriend’s taking her to Court would be a waste of time and money, due to the mother having full custody and the law on her side, at the end of the day, whether my boyfriend has got weekend access through the Courts, his ex-wife can deny access at any time for no reason.

The children have been through a lot through the marriage break-up, it would be devastating for them if they couldn’t see their father any more, as they love him very much and want to stay with us, but being so young have no say in the matter.

That only leaves my boyfriend and myself, but what can we do? What can we say? To an ex-wife who is so unreasonable, to create an amicable situation, knowing what we know?

As I have mentioned previously in this letter, I would be very grateful for any information/advice concerning this dilemma with hope to resolving this problem. I would very much appreciate a speedy reply if it is not too inconvenient, so matters can be settled (if they can) as quickly as possible, for the sake of two young, very confused children and devoted father.

Yours faithfully

Miss A V C

min8

Dear Sir(s)

I am writing to complain about the Child Support Agency’s policies and tactics.

I am the new partner of a man who has a three-year-old son by his former marriage. I am presently six months pregnant with our child. Our relationship is obviously a committed one and we have been engaged since May last year but have yet to marry as we are unsure under the present laws whether or not my assets/income will be viewed as his own when the CSA make a final means tested assessment.

My fianc� has repeatedly asked the CSA for an interview as the interim assessment is totally beyond his means.

His ex-wife left him while he was away working when their son was a year old, taking the child and nearly everything of value in the house, and leaving him with substantial debts that she had incurred in their joint names (which was one of the principal causes of friction between them). She was never homeless but was immediately given a very comfortable and relatively spacious centrally heated one-bedroom flat close to her parents (which she had been waiting for, having told N council and various welfare organisations that she and the child were living on her sister’s floor).

She began claiming income support and child benefits immediately which gave her an income of approximately �500 per month in addition to her rent being paid and the normal benefits such as free dental care, etc and installed her son at an expensive full-time private nursery school run by her parents, which my partner agreed to pay for.

She has also in this time worked without declaring it and gone on a two-month holiday to Spain, leaving their son in S’s care for one month, upon his insistence. He subsequently conceded to her demands for more money when she withheld access to the child as blackmail because above all else he loved his son and wanted a continuing relationship with him. He had not closed the building society account in their joint name and she also availed herself of it regularly. He allowed this out of a sense of duty to her and her son, and also because the amounts withdrawn were not huge, until one occasion when she discovered (although they were divorced by this time) his new relationship, and as a statement helped herself to its entire contents, amounting to over �450.

At this point he ended the informal arrangement, obtaining a Court Order permitting him access to his son, and seeking advice on a maintenance arrangement through the Courts.

This could probably have been resolved relatively amicably were it not for the ensuing intervention of the Child Support Agency.

The first assessment was backdated to the date his ex-wife first claimed income support. It was a huge shock to him to see that none of the costs of her extricating herself from the relationship over the previous 18 months were taken into account except housing: paying off her outstanding debts, costs arising from the divorce and the Court Order to see his son, and having sole financial responsibility for maintenance and upkeep of the family home, not to mention the regular payments he had been making to her, including money for his sons school fees. He called the CSA to explain all this but they said that unless he could supply proof (eg receipts) of the money he had given her or unless she corroborated his story (which logically she would not do) none of it would be taken into account).

My partner has always been prepared to support his son both financially and practically but before the intervention of the CSA felt that he had done so by meeting the costs of his nursery education and by giving his ex-wife money more or less whenever she asked for it. He has also always bought his son all his clothes and toys and looked after him on a regular basis normally at a time convenient to his ex-wife. He was not aware that she had not been declaring the money he had given her for his upkeep. She had not bothered to apply for maintenance through the Courts or to involve the CSA at an earlier stage as this arrangement was naturally highly satisfactory to her.

Despite repeated requests the CSA have never offered him the opportunity for an interview or review of his circumstances but have continued to harass him weekly for the outstanding amount owed to them under the Interim Assessment Order. Both of us are suffering emotional strain as a result of this and feel (with some justice) that now we have set up home together and are expecting a family of our own that we are receiving treatment fit for criminals.

When we decided to marry and start a family my partner offered his ex-wife two alternatives via his Solicitor: to take the house and remove his name from the mortgage or to take her name off the mortgage so that we could live there together and own the house jointly.

As she resents his relationship with me she decided to make it as difficult as possible for him to start afresh so would not agree to either of these perfectly reasonable options.

Naturally I did not want to live in a house half-owned by his ex-wife so I sold my flat at a loss and bought a house for us to live in together and to bring up our baby in. We moved in in late December and my partner rented his house out, again at a loss, so that we could have our own home together. We have no reason to make this a secret from anyone (including the CSA) and are not ashamed of our relationship or decision to live together and marry and have a baby although the CSA’s heavy-handed interference in our relationship and life decisions has made us feel this way.

Last week I received a call at home from a well-spoken woman asking very confidently for S and behaving as if she knew him well but unwilling to reveal her identity or talk to me. (My partner works away a lot and our relationship has to be based on a good deal of emotional trust. Needless to say if I was of a suspicious disposition I might have suspected the worst).

She rang off in a hurry and apparently after this called him on his mobile phone saying she was from a travel agency in H and could she please have his address because she wanted to send him some travel documents. Two days later a letter arrived from the CSA posted in H asking him for details of his "income" from the rental of his property and further demands for money. Why adopt these tactics? I feel harassed in my own home. I did not meet S until he was actually divorced. Neither of us has done anything wrong or ever tried to withhold information from the CSA or his ex-wife or anyone else. I would like the National Council of Liberties to advise me whether this constituted an abuse of civil liberties because I certainly feel it did. The CSA could have written to S via the home he still owns with his ex-wife and asked him outright for his new address and he would have been more than happy to comply with their request. Why involve me in their tacky sordid snooping?

Not only this, I feel I have no option but to return to work full time after the birth of the baby because my partner will not be able to support me due to the CSA debt. It is virtually impossible to employ childminders on an irregular basis to enable S to look after the baby when he is at home, so I will have to pay the costs of a full-time childminder, in the region of �450 per month. I have been told by the CSA that I am expected to pay for this alone and that it cannot be taken into account in making this assessment. THIS IS DISGUSTING. I am appalled by the effrontery of the organisation and the total hypocrisy of them claiming to protect the needs of women and children. WHAT ABOUT MY BABY?

WHY SHOULD I HAVE TO LOOK AFTER ANOTHER WOMAN’S CHILD (ie my partner’s son) EVERY OTHER WEEKEND WITHOUT RECOGNITION OR REWARD AND FOR A WHOLE MONTH WHILE SHE IS ON HOLIDAY IN SPAIN YET BET EXPECTED TO PAY 100% OF THE COSTS OF CHILDCARE MYSELF FOR MY OWN BABY BECAUSE THIS PREVIOUS RELATIONSHIP HAS MADE IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME TO ENJOY THE REWARDS OF BEING A FULL-TIME MOTHER MYSELF?

These are the questions I would like raised in the House of Commons:

(1) Why is this so-called "absent parent" deemed responsible for all debts and costs occurring as a result of marital conflict and breakdown? These costs should be taken into account when making the assessment. Also the right of appeal should be a sensitive procedure and allow for every possible permutation to be taken into account so that the final assessment is fair to both parties.

(At the moment the CSA poses hypocritically as the moral guardian of abandoned women and children everywhere, an outdated, Victorian concept as irrelevant to the needs of modern society and children as can be.)

(2) Why is the woman who wishes to make an easy escape from her marriage given every conceivable assistance by the State (financial and otherwise) without having to be answerable in any way for the responsibilities of her former existence? Indeed in many cases she is far better off than before. This should have been reviewed at the same time the CSA was being piloted.

(3) How does it help the needs of the child to deprive them of a father at a critical period in their lives simply because the mother may feel inclined to live independently and knows that it is not merely possible but made even easier than before due to the structure and practice of the CSA?

(4) Why are needs of the children and partners of second marriages/relationships so totally discounted? I have to continue working after our child is born because my partner cannot afford to support myself and our child on his own as he now has to pay maintenance. As I will have to bear the costs of childcare totally alone they are effectively making me into the single parent. What incentive practically and financially does this give me to remain in the relationship?

(5) Why is every father that does not live with his child deemed to be an "absent parent" and treated like a criminal on the run?

(6) Why is there no distinction between genuine absent parents who take no part whatsoever in their children’s upbringing or support and those (like my partner) who seek to give his child the best possible life he can by having him to stay as often as he can, by lavishing him with clothes, gifts and attention, and by entering into a new, permanent relationship thereby introducing his child to the concept of a normal stable family life? Why should he be penalised for this?

(7) Why does the CSA always believe the mothers or custodial parents version of events unless it has concrete proof to the contrary? Divorce and relationship breakdown is an adversarial process and one party often seeks to hurt another in any way they can – and one of the most effective ways is through money. Lies are commonplace. It seems the CSA only believe what they think will get the Government more money, regardless of the havoc this wreaks through individuals’ lives.

The whole thing exposes the CSA for what it really is – a shambolic, simplistic mistake. A badly thought through attempt to recoup costs incurred by social and political decisions and events that have over decades led to the breakdown of the nuclear family. It does not work and, in my opinion, a Government body should not interfere in the very fabric of family life in this way.

I would really appreciate a response as I feel the effects of this legislation in a very personal and distressing way. I want to give my baby every chance to grow up in a happy family and wonder whether anyone realises the impact this harassment and injustice is having on our lives together, and how much harder things are becoming as we both feel increasingly hounded and misrepresented as I approach the birth of my child?

Yours sincerely

-

min9

Dear Archie

Family Law

We have met, once, on my door step some years ago, but I keep abreast of your views and activities via The Bond, which as local street steward, I deliver in the "Close".

I have not had occasion to write to you before this, but I now find myself and my wife (both in mid-seventies) faced with a family tragedy. You may not be able to assist but I felt I must bring to your notice a travesty of justice in our laws, and the Courts interpretation of these laws, concerning family relationships.

The details of the case, which sparks my interest, I will keep as succinct as I can.

We have one son, born 1957. Educated at Kings College Wimbledon, and a graduate of Newcastle University - now a bank official at mid-management level. Living modestly in B, with wife and three children aged 10 - 8 - 6. Until six months ago an ideally happy family - excessively so - the parents still very much in love - the children healthy, charming, lively, affectionate, happy.

One day their mother announced (in writing) that she was no longer in love with her husband, in fact she now loved "Tony" (a single parent, barman - part time - in a pub in B).

She then said that whilst she would like to move out with the children she had no money, and therefore the practical solution was for him to move out of the house so that she could "start a new life". The DOE would provide herself and the boys with money on which to live!

Visits to marriage counsellors were abortive. Currently she is pressing for a visit to the conciliation service with the announced intention of forcing her husband to move out. The threat is "go quietly or the law will do it for me". No empty threat as far as I can make out, under the law and the Courts interpretation of them "What is best for the children" seems to be the guiding factor.

I should make it clear, no accusation has been made against my son - no womanising, no wife beating. He is a quiet, gentle chap, lives soberly, plays golf and has only one desire in life - to keep his family unit together.

In the locality in B there is a coven of single parents, who I suspect assist each other to devise how best to obtain monies from the State. My son’s wife unfortunately has made these people her friends. Needless to say they are well down of the social scale, bringing up their families on minimum standards, but nevertheless encouraging other unhappy wives to join them. Some months ago I did see a television programme of a Welsh village where the men have become redundant, the State supplies the money to the women on which to live. Last month, consequent to my suddenly awakened interest in family law, I saw a pressure group commenting on a television programme – "Families need Fathers". I have since become a member. I have had no communication with them other than to receive their literature. I have currently been reading their quarterly magazine "Access". I enclose a copy which depicts more poignantly the national picture of this problem than I can hope to do and which I trust you will find of interest if you have not already seen it.

It would appear that:

(1) The machinations of a bored wife to be rid of her husband are a common occurrence in Britain today and these are aided by the existing law.

(2) An Englishman’s home is now only his castle so long as he keeps his wife in good humour.

(3) There is a green paper currently under consideration which I am led to believe does little to remedy this situation.

To conclude, my son does not want publicity of his problems until he has resolved what can be done by arrangement with the conciliation service. I will send a copy of this letter to the Right Honourable A Bowden MP in whose constituency my son lives and also to

EC2A 3AR

I do hope you will find this cause worthy of your support to ensure that the green paper is amended so that the law is not reissued to facilitate by arrangement and money the setting up of single parent families at the instigation of a disgruntled wife.

Yours sincerely

-

min10

Dear Sir/Madam

Please find enclosed, cheque for �20.00 to cover my membership. Would you please advise me where I can seek some urgent help/advice before I attend Court at W on 29 March 1994.

The Court appearance is to decide on costs for divorce proceedings. My wife, who admitted adultery (and took our two children (but that’s another story) refuses to pay costs.

My wife left in August 1991. I spent the whole of 1992 trying to win a Residence Order over the children.

I wish I could show the whole file to someone, as even the Court Welfare Officer favoured myself more than the mother for residence. But, the Judge was useless and failed to understand the whole picture. Almost, even worse, was my Barrister. Anyway, please phone or write as soon as you can. It would be better to arrange to meet someone in H or nearby.

My wife still enjoys full-time employment as an Air Traffic Controller and the income of the correspondent (living with her colleague from work!!) and my wife must be on nearly �40,000 per year. As for me, I am unemployed, lost my job due to depression and on income support.

After losing everything I worked for, my wife, my two children (Am, 4 and Al, 7), dogs and then my job after suffering depression, I am now being asked to pay for it.

I am looking for work up here even though the Court case is in W. I do have a Solicitor L B in H, M, but they say they cannot represent me for this particular point.

It may have something to do with a recent application for Legal Aid being refused. (I have made an appeal). I have applied for 60/40 on the sale of the house and therefore need to be represented.

min11

Dear Sirs

I believe that I need your urgent advice. I have been fighting a Residence Order for my two children, a boy of six and a girl of four, for 18 months. I had been the prime parent looking after them, my son suffering from asthma, my daughter from eczema.

A Welfare Report was prepared which was biased against me and factually inaccurate. I complained (as in your "helpful hints") yet both the probation office and a Court Directions Hearing refused to entertain my complaint.

I lost the main Court hearing, the Judge refusing to accept that my ex-wife’s smoking is harmful to my son’s asthma, that my brother and his wife’s (she is an ex-nursery teacher) evidence was not substantial, and that my own mother’s appearance was interesting but irrelevant! The children’s only grandparents are my parents. My ex-wife refuses any contact with her own mother.

My ex-wife is now trying to dictate contact. Off the record, others at the children’s school and the nursery teachers believe the children should reside with me.

I wish to appeal though I can ill afford it! My Solicitor says I am wasting my time, though his heart doesn’t seem to be in my case anyway.

Carlton TV’s London Tonight showed an interest when I phoned them for information regarding a screening of FDFD on 27-1-94, ironically the day after I lost my case.

I should have won this easily, but didn’t. Why? The Home Office is now investigating why my original complaint was ignored. Please help!

Yours faithfully

J M

min12

One day in August 1985 I noticed an inexplicable change in my wife’s behaviour. Our GP told me she had schizophrenia and she was seen by a Psychiatrist who told me he thought she did not have schizophrenia but was depressed. He asked me to try to persuade her to see him again. She refused.

Her odd behaviour ebbed and flowed for two years and in August 1987 she left home and took our 13-year-old daughter with her. I soon heard from a Solicitor saying that she wanted to divorce me. We had enjoyed over 20 years of very happy marriage prior to her odd behaviour starting in August 1985. I felt that if this odd behaviour could be cured, she would not want a divorce and so I strove to prevent it from taking place. My efforts were assisted by three clergymen, our GP, a Psychiatrist, a Solicitor, a Barrister, our son and daughter and contact with MIND, SANE and the National Schizophrenia Fellowship.

However, sadly after four years of trying to prevent a divorce, I had to accept it against my will and my conscience. The horrors that occurred during this traumatic time involved my wife taking our daughter to be hypnotised on two occasions and then she (our daughter) ran away from home (her mother had amazingly been given custody of her). Our daughter then tried to commit suicide by taking 40 paracetamol tablets. I had not seen her for about six weeks when this occurred. I found out purely by chance that she was in hospital.

My wife’s behaviour towards our son (I had been given custody of him) had also been odd, causing her to call the police to deal with him on two occasions. On another occasion our son sought the assistance of a patrolling police woman to accompany him to his mother’s house so that he could speak to her without her either ignoring him or giving him a torrent of verbal abuse.

The scant detail our GP and Psychiatrist had been able to gather was insufficient to put a definite diagnosis of a specific illness on my wife and this allowed her to pursue her illogical goal of divorce. The situation was controlled by her abnormal state of mind aided by laws that take no consideration of the effect that such control can cause. I was forced to accept something that was totally irrational as if it was normal. I did not and I shall do not. My love for my family, my desire to see logic and sincerity prevail will not permit me to do so. There is a blatant shortcoming in the law when it permits (it can be argued that it encourages) bizarre behaviour to triumph over love, commitment and responsibility to one’s family. It is tragic that divorce on demand now appears to be accepted as the norm. It totally disregards the terrible ripple on effects it can cause.

I have often been told "there is nothing you can do". Whilst this may be legally so I have no hesitate in saying that is morally very, very wrong.

min13

One day in August 1985, I noticed an inexplicable change in my wife’s behaviour. From then to October 1985, she altered from being a wonderful wife and mother to being unloving and irrational. At first, this attitude was directed solely at me, but gradually her attitude towards our son also changed. From August 1985 to August 1987, her behaviour fluctuated from being normal to being oddly out of character. She had, on occasions, what she termed "black moods", when she displayed rage and illogical behaviour. At first I did not know what was happening within her and I enlisted the help of three different clergymen who, in turn, endeavoured to get her to view our marriage and family life as she had done for the past 24 years. They all failed. So did the efforts our 16-year-old son and I made.

Because of her continued out-of-character behaviour, I eventually contacted our family doctor and showed him a copy of some writing my wife had done a few weeks previously, in the middle of the night.

He saw her soon after this and told me he thought she should see a Psychiatrist. He arranged a consultation for her at our house in May 1987. After the consultation, the Psychiatrist said to me, "There must be something she hasn’t told me. Try to get her to see me again". She refused.

Sadly, in August 1987, she left home and persuaded our 13-year-old daughter to go with her. Amazingly, she was able to successfully apply for legal custody of our daughter. Custody of our son was given to me. The Court Welfare Officers who were appointed to assess the situation were totally out of their depth. They viewed my concern to keep my family together as having no value and told me I was using "heavy" methods against my wife by seeking medical opinion. Their prejudice was such that I took tape recordings (unbeknown to them) of interviews I had with them to prove that their prejudice was very real. My Solicitor was then able to get them to remove some points they made in their report.

After my wife left home, our GP, who had a genuine desire to help, continued to talk to me about the situation my wife had placed our family in. Eventually, he told me she had schizophrenia. I asked him if it was in order for me to make this known to other people and he said it was alright within reason. Accordingly, I mentioned this to my Solicitor and several of our mutual friends, whom, I hoped would be able to exercise more influence on my wife to see the Psychiatrist again, than our GP, the clergymen, our son or I had been able to do.

My wife’s Solicitor heard of this and wrote to our family doctor precluding him from speaking to me about her mental health, causing him to write back saying that she was perfectly healthy, physically and mentally. He also stated that the Psychiatrist who saw my wife in May 1987 had confirmed that "this particular problem was because of marital disharmony".

I later learned that it was a verbal request from my wife to our family doctor, apparently threatening him with legal action, that caused him to write the letter mentioned above, to her Solicitor.

I was shocked by this letter as it was totally opposite to what he had told me on several occasions previously. To clarify matters, I made an appointment to see the doctor and made a tape recording of our conversation, without him being aware of this, and it is obvious that his main concern was to protect his own professional standing. His words were, "If I say more, I will get into trouble".

Knowing and loving my wife as I do, I was and still am, so certain that there is something out of balance in her mind, that in December 1987, I again contacted the Psychiatrist who had seen her earlier in the year. To my delight, he told me that our family doctor had contacted him, only two weeks after stating that my wife was perfectly healthy, physically and mentally, asking him to see her again. Tragically, for our family, she again refused.

The Psychiatrist told me he did not think my wife had schizophrenia and that it was his view that she might have been depressed, but he needed to see her again to get a clearer picture.

The situation worsened when my efforts to get her to return home were twisted by her Solicitor into acts of "harassment". Truly, I have not harassed her at all and all my efforts stem from love for her and our children. She is now endeavouring to obtain a divorce on very feeble grounds. I am contesting the divorce as we had a very happy marriage until her attitude suddenly and inexplicably changed. However, she has been successful in convincing her friends, colleagues and legal adviser that our marriage was not a good one and that it has irretrievably broken down. I still have 100% commitment to our marriage, so her claim is far from true.

In order to prevent her following the ridiculous path of divorce, I have to establish that she is mentally out of balance. My view is that a cure for a mental disorder is what should be under consideration, not a marriage being examined with a view to ending it.

The following is a letter from a solicitor recommended to me by the National Schizophrenic Fellowship:

"the marriage had not irretrievably broken down or because the allegations were untrue but this is an expensive and longwinded procedure which would be unlikely to result in the saving of the marriage."

I will read on and let you have my thoughts in due course.

Yours sincerely

LB

min14

FLAG J S,

9 Main St,

E,

-,

- ----- --- ---

I am interested in the summary of legal marriage that you offer in your policy papers 1 and 2, and totally agree with the idea of stability of the family and its protection.

My own family was in effect destroyed by the law. Not having a father, my mother was also devastated by the legal aspects of family law. After the death of her mother and a pregnancy, my wife became ill. Initially described as post-natal depression, her illness included taking an overdose and other suicidal tendencies and a constant need to move house, six times in all in approximately four years, and a continual dissatisfaction that allowed no social life or friends.

As one solution to her illness she kidnapped our son and returned to live with her sister, subsequently on the advice of her Solicitor, re-entering the family home and removing everything. Within weeks she went to and got a judgement against me as the cause of her illness and custody of our son.

Although I had effectively stopped her taking an overdose, and supporting her through 18 months of treatment as an out-patient at our local hospital, I was effectively "blamed" for the illness. J, who had been a healthy, extrovert child, within two years was referred to a child Psychiatrist showing symptoms similar to his mother. I was again referred to the Magistrates Court and held responsible for this, because I bought him a bike! His mother could not afford one. I saw my son only two hours a month for two years, although at this time I was, myself, a teacher.

It should have been obvious to the Court that his mother was not well enough to look after him, but her Solicitor was so dishonest he even dressed her in a nurse’s uniform, saying she had nothing else to wear. Winning was the most important thing and, even though she had custody and care and control, she continually left him on his own at night or on the street and also often refused me access saying he was ill. His schooling was neglected and I never really had a clear idea of what he was doing, which turned out to be not very much. Between marriages she worked shifts, was not at home when he returned from school and still in bed when he went to school. Sometimes obviously with different men. All applications to the Court to restore access, etc were generally not in my favour and, eventually, I had to contact the NSPCC. The only resolution to the problem would be to take him abroad. When he refused to go home, his mother called the police who threatened to seize him.

At the age of 15 he left his mother, moved to another school and now lives in France. His mother will not speak to him because he left her and our relationship, although good, is basically one of father and son who were both treated like criminals.

The Solicitor’s part in this was totally despicable and the effect on my family was tragic. Neither my maternal grandmother or uncle saw much of him before they died. My paternal grandfather never saw him at all. My mother and her family could not believe what happened. She had done so much for my wife and her family, a generation that could not even grasp the reality of such a situation. I lost my job, my house in Cumbria and almost my sanity. Local people were so supportive. They prepared a room for J at the initial Court hearing, expecting him to come home with his father. If anything, this was a medical situation for which neither J nor myself were responsible. It seemed the only way his mother could justify her own credibility was by destroying both myself and him, through the legal process.

min15

3rd January 1996

Dear B

A & A B, Hague Convention Case – New York

Further to the telephone message I left recently which followed my discussion with Dr John Campion, I have enclosed a summary of my case and the current status.

I hope we will have made direct telephone contact before this letter reaches you.

I should add that S is acting on my behalf in New York and I am in weekly contact with him, he sends his regards and is well and still actively pursuing his own case.

I made contact with S via Families Need Fathers who I joined in March 1995.

I have also included a recent letter to my MP which gives the current status and lines of activity.

My ex-wife, H, travelled to New York from London on September 24th 1994 with my children, A G (then aged 8) & A V D B (then aged 4), for a "holiday".

My ex-wife decided to remain in New York and retained the children without my consent.

I am in the process of securing my children’s return with an application for their return under the Hague Convention with respect to Child Abduction.

Myself, the children and my ex-wife are all British Citizens. We were married and divorced in England, and both children were born in England as were both H and I.

My ex-wife and the children entered the US on their British Passports with return tickets and obtained visitors visas.

In January 1995 I filed an application for their return with the Lord Chancellor’s office in London which was accepted by the State Department in Washington DC.

At the end of January I went to New York and appeared in a Hague Convention hearing at the beginning of February at the Family Court of New York, Manhattan.

The case came to rest on the habitual residence of the children because they had spent a lengthy period in Nigeria after the divorce. The Judge decided against my petition and made a ruling that their habitual residence immediately prior to them coming to US was Nigeria (even though they spent 9 weeks in the UK living with me immediately prior to leaving for the US) and therefore the Hague Convention application did not apply.

There is plenty of evidence against this ruling not least by way of proving that the children are British and have never changed their habitually resident from UK and also that the Judge made some factual errors.

I had engaged a New York Attorney for the case but I could no longer afford to pay her legal fees in lodging the appeal, having already become in debt in making this Hague Convention application.

In filing the appeal I engaged S (a non-attorney) who is based in Manhattan and gave him Power of Attorney to file and present my case acting as "Councel Pro Se, proxy".

The Judge made his judgement in March, we appealed against this in April and the Appellate Division (Court of Appeal) made its decision on 25th May 1995.

The Appellate Division would not allow S (a non-attorney) to represent and in addition denied the appeal motion in its entirety.

I am firm in my belief that under US Federal Law a citizen (US or other nationality) has the right to be represented in any US Court of Law by either himself or someone of his choosing.

More importantly the Appellate Court wrongfully dismissed the case in its entirety without it being heard, therefore depriving me of equal protection and due process under the US Constitution without sufficient reason, finding of facts and without coming to conclusions of law.

The current position is that S has submitted a Federal Complaint in the New York District Court and a pre-trial hearing took place on 17th November 1995. We are seeking to get the Hague Convention appeal properly heard or get the whole process starting again, and in addition we are seeking damages against various parties who we believe have acted improperly.

Naturally my case has much greater detail if you require it.

Yours sincerely

D B

min16

3, L Tce,

W,

B,

--2 6RX

RE Sunday 12-5-96. After returning from the bus rally and pub dinner with my sister and the two boys H & R, I dropped my sister off at my mothers, then drove home with the boys @ 16-15.

At 16-27 my wife took car to go to work for 16-30, at 18-00 received phone call saying she would be late due to accident concerning old lady, while playing on the floor with the boys and getting them washed & ready for bed, another phone call came @ 19-00 approx, said she was still there, I put boys to bed @19-15, started to get concerned about time at 19-30 boys fast asleep.

At 19-50 rang my parents house if J was there, 2/3 minutes later two silhouettes appeared at front door it was the police, when I opened door and they also, they came in, I noticed J (wife) behind them, after entering living room with police behind me, I sat down so did Sgt E the other officer stood @ living room door.

Not knowing if there had been accusations made against me, Sgt E said (& I quote) ‘R theres not an easy way to tell you this, your wife’s leaving you & she’s taking the boys’. I was gob-smacked, I broke down & stood up & said she can’t take them & can’t do it, there fast asleep in bed, by this time J was doing her bit. In an emotional state I started telling them about J’s abuse & abusive nature with the boys, and her family background, but to no avail.

I was then told by Sgt E ‘I understand your feeling son’. I then said I want to say goodbye to them & give them a kiss, the other officer replyed while blocking the door ‘thats not a good idea son’, then I replyed no, I want to see & say goodbye to them, so I went to open the living room windows, the same officer replyed ‘I wouldn’t do that son if you know what’s good for you’.

Then the phone rang a number of times, then I said, here, I’d better answer the phone and again the officer replied ‘stay where you are I’ll get it’, it was my mother, and would not let me speak to her.

I told them she should be up in 2 mins, and she would explain about my wife, but to no avail.

I also noticed that she was taking the car, to which Sgt E replied ‘you’ll get it back’ then I replied but I need the car, to which he replied again ‘you’ll get it back’, then they stood and went before my mother arrived which would have been less than 5 mins later at 20-09 approx.

PS Wednesday 15-5-96 my sister was informed by W police I had the right to refuse the boys being taken which was 3 days after, and also they have told me to go through a solicitor to retreive the car.

PPS Its Thursday night 16/5/96 @ 23-30pm and no phone call or anything to know where, or, how, the boys are.

Yours Faithfully

RLH

maj1

Dear John

This letter may seem long-winded, but there has been so much more happen, this is a shortened version. Please take the time to read.

I have been brought up to be honest, polite and to respect the law (innocent until proven guilty) by my parents, who anyone would be proud to call their own. What they, other members of my family and myself have been put through over the last 17 months, can only be described as a living nightmare.

My wife, D and I married on 12.4.80 and we have one daughter, J C, born on 15.7.81. I believe we have had a happy marriage, just normal quarreling as any couple. I have always tried to do the best for my family, working 12-16 hours a day.

8.4.93 Dismissed from my job, which I am appealing against.

11.4.93 I arrive home to find my belongings and work papers packed and outside in the rain.

Stayed at my parents home for the next 12 weeks. During this period I was allowed home between 5 pm and 9 pm each day and a day out as a family each weekend. I could see D was not well so I did nothing to upset her, not even approach the subject of why I had been moved out.

20.4.93 On the way to a job fair we stopped for a meal. D and I decided to cancel an appointment with Relate for the next day as we were getting on well and could sort things out ourselves.

We did everything as normal as a family, apart from me living at home.

27.6.93 A family day out on the beach. D went back to the car with a headache.

J was glad of the chance to talk to me and did so for about 2 hours. I did not force her to say a thing, she was so unhappy with the way things were with her mum and me. I think she wanted me home, but I did not press her on that. J was worried, her mum had mentioned about taking her away. She did not want to go away from her friends, school, pets, etc. I never thought that would happen, but consoled J by saying if it did, keep in touch.

4.7.93 Rang D, who allowed me to move back in.

5.7.93 D had a visit from a counsellor, I was asked to go for shopping so they could be alone. They decided I see the counsellor. I made an appointment that night for later that week.

7.7.93 D took J to school. The last I saw of her. I spent late afternoon and evening trying to find them. I did not sleep that night.

8.7.93 I kept the appointment with the counsellor. Most things discussed with D were confidential, but was told D was worried about my mental state, that she still loved me, but did not like me very much at the moment. The counsellor thought D had or was going through a nervous breakdown.

10.7.93 Message from J on answer-phone.

"Hi Dad, It’s only J, um, we’re fine, and I just wanted to ring you and let you know that we’re okay, okay, bye".

I spent the next three weeks going everywhere for help. I find out they are in a refuge.

31.7.93 I receive a petition for divorce. I could not believe it. In shock, I was taken to my doctor.

3.8.93 See my Solicitor, who is a senior partner.

He said, I could not defend the divorce as I wanted. The only way I could get my family back, was by going for residence/contact. I eventually got Legal Aid for this.

14.10.93 This now being 100 days my family had been away, I write a letter to my Solicitor saying things I was not happy with, which my parents take to him.

A week later I was passed to an assistant to take over, of which I was not informed. It just happened.

10.11.93 Letter from "Family Court Welfare Service" giving my family’s whereabouts, against my wife’s wishes. I inform my Solicitor that I am desperate to see them but I will keep my word and not make contact until my wife is ready.

25.11.93 Residence/contact directions hearing, C Court. The Judge was told that J did not want to see me, by my wife’s Solicitor. The Judge said that the child’s wishes! would not be the only factor to be taken as there was more to this case.

21.12.93 Joint meeting (D and myself) with a Family Court Welfare Officer. I ring the week before to confirm I will attend. I ask if it is possible to see someone for 10 minutes before to say all that had gone on. I am told this is not possible as they find seeing both husband and wife together is best. D did not attend. I find out after waiting two hours that she rang the week before for a single meeting.

23.12.93 I am desperate to see J for Christmas, always a special time for us. I ring my Solicitor, saying I had had no food or liquid for two days and had not taken my medication, and would not do so until I see J. (My doctor gets me to start again 10 days later.)

25.12.93 Spent all day by the window. Told my family not to visit or phone, I only wanted to see J. I gave up at midnight. The tree and decorations are there to this day, I cannot bring myself to take them down. Presents and cards from family and myself are mounting up. No contact with J on her last two birthdays.

11.1.94 I meet with two Family Court Welfare Officers. I am told they interviewed my wife the day before. The questions they then ask me seem to stem from information gathered from the previous day. (If no joint interview, I would expect an equal assessment by asking the same questions to each person.) I felt like a criminal being interrogated, I could not believe things I was being asked. (In the report weeks later I am accused of threatening behaviour by not answering questions, but just staring. This is down to accusations directed at me which are untrue, how are you meant to behave?)

Afterwards I sat in the car for one hour, as I was not in a fit state to drive. I could not believe how unfair the interview had been, with the Welfare Officers having preconceived ideas of what sort of person I was, after meeting with D. At home, I ring my Solicitor to say what had happened.

9.2.94 My second interview with the Family Court Welfare Officers. I made my feelings known about the previous meeting, what happens is more of the same. It is during these two meetings I tell the one and only lie I have said since my family left. Under so much pressure I say there are no cupboards in our house, but there are.

I showed them photos to prove we are a happy family. Knowing I had not seen my family for seven months, they wanted to see recent photos. I then did this by producing some of a visit to Dublin just prior to my family leaving home.

I am trying very hard to save our marriage, not just for me. I know our daughter does not want it to end. This is probably why extraordinary lengths have been imposed to have no contact between us.

Family CWO "We stated that if one party thought the marriage was over, and wanted the marriage over, then the marriage was over". Are these people on commission?

I give the details of the counsellor we both met, no mention of this person in the Welfare Report, was she even contacted?

There are four people, given by D, that are in the report. None of these have even met me.

A Book Court Welfare Work, Research by [a] University 1991/92

A very brief summary of University states that Welfare Officers in any part of the country do as they please to gather their data, not consistent..

"A persistent theme was once again the degree to which the data illustrates the differential treatment that fathers receive leading to their possible marginalisation in a number of key spheres".

So I could be "Father of the Year" and still not be able to see my child.

11.2.94 I visit a Psychiatrist to check on my "mental state!". His findings are that I am perfectly normal, A1. My wife’s Solicitor has picked out one word from this report, I am obsessed with our marriage.

Is it a bad OBSESSION, knowing the marriage was in difficulty and still wanting to continue?

Or, a good OBSESSION, a normal marriage one day, out of the house the next. No unreasonable behaviour and then find my wife has taken our daughter away.

I am not a very religious person, I have my beliefs. But if this can happen to me, then celebrating "The Year of the Family" in 1994, how long will it be before the end of the family as we know it today? Compare it with 30, 20, 10 years ago, at this rate what effect is it having on our children, and their view of relationships.

I can sit back and wait three to five years or so for my daughter, but I want to prevent now, J hating her mother in the future for what she has been put through.

12.2.94 Appeal for Legal Aid dismissed. (My wife had Legal Aid both for residence/contact and the defence of the divorce. Not only that, it was not only a Barrister that represented her, but a QC on both occasions. I had a Barrister for the residence/contact and I had to represent myself in the defence of the divorce.)

22.2.94 Direction hearing, defence of the divorce, C Court, Decree Nisi not put through.

24.2.94 Direction hearing, residence/contact, C Court. First sight of Welfare Report by both Solicitors! Adjourn to read.

"Conclusion: it is my opinion that J’s best interests would be served by the Court considering making a Residence Order to Mrs W and an order of no contact with regard to contact with Mr W."

15.3.94 I eventually get leave granted to defend divorce as I originally wanted.

18.3.94 First meeting with my Barrister, discussed case for 20 minutes. After my one mistake last August of believing what I am told is right, I now check everything that it is genuine. I ask my Barrister if I could have another Welfare Report done or alter/add to the existing one (which I know is my right to have done). He says "No, if that was possible, everyone would be doing it." Who can I trust?!

It is around this time I read an article on "Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) (child brainwashing). (Please see attached.) This is very disturbing, as a lot of the signs to look for actually relate to what has happened to us. I buy a book of the same name, the author being an American expert in this field. From this moment I strongly suspect this happening to J.

27.4.94 Final hearing, residence/contact, C Court. More delays, as it comes to our notice that J has been seen by a Psychiatrist. My parent responsibility has been ignored, as I have repeatedly requested medical and school reports (even with whereabouts deleted). No permission was sought. It seems J was last interviewed 6 weeks ago, no report yet available and was being "chased up" the day before by the Family Court Welfare Officer. (This report eventually gets completed 20th May and forwarded to myself two weeks before the next hearing, even though the Judge directed it no later than 28 days). Today’s hearing has to be adjourned to see the report.

25.5.94 I receive Child Psychiatrist Report. J seen once alone and once with her mother. "I have since discussed the case with Ms T P, Court Welfare Officer, I have not met J’s father". "Although it would be entirely inappropriate for me to make any diagnostic statement about someone I have not interviewed personally it does sound as if Mr W is an unhappy man who might benefit from help in his own right".

J even states "she had absolutely no memories of Mr W being a nice, kind dad to her."!!!

3.6.94 I receive a supplemental petition (which is later changed to an amended petition). Up to now I have been accused of unreasonable behavior with being strict, which if looked at properly should be questioned. With an amended petition, these things did not happen, admitting lies. The new accusations are, pushing D down the stairs twice, pouring paint over her head. I have spent months trying to imagine these things happening, had I forgotten the incidents? It is very hard to accept when you know you have not done something to just dismiss it.

3.6.94 I rang America to trace experts of brainwashing in children, in this country. I had tried every possible source over the last few months, without success. I was given two names, one being listed in the "UK Register of Expert Witnesses", held by all Solicitors. This person, I find out, does a lot of work that goes to Court.

9.6.94 Final hearing, residence/contact, Wr Court. The Judge taken ill. Case could be heard that day in Wa Court. I show documents to my Solicitor to confirm my story, which she thought was very useful. My Solicitor and my Barrister drive to Wa together. When there, my Barrister would not even look at my evidence, let alone use it. He asks me what outcome I want put to the Judge.

The Court Welfare Officer and then the Child Psychiatrist give evidence.

IN BOTH OF THEIR OPINIONS, NO POSSIBILITY OF J BEING BRAINWASHED. The Judge then awards me no contact with J, not even supervised. All I could have was indirect contact of one letter per month, unsealed and sent via the Court Welfare Officer (to scrutinize). I have kept by my immediate decision of not agreeing to this, as it is inhuman and could not be more severe. I would not say anything which would be bad in a letter (even "I love you" may be misinterpreted), what I would not want is something innocent scribbled out, and J wondering what I am trying to say to her. I know she is thinking about me, no-one can stop her doing that.

(This is what was awarded at the end of the case.)

I then gave evidence.

I was denied my right to have another Welfare Report made.

I was denied my right to have an independent witness called. (I would have been quite happy if his findings were that J was not being brainwashed.)

I was denied the opportunity for the Judge to see J and myself in her chambers. I was risking a brief meeting with her, (not even to speak to her). If J reacted badly towards me as had been stated, I would probably never get to see her again, but I know given the opportunity to freely express herself, not what has happened up to now, J saying things, and then having to go back to the person who made them up. One day, no matter what pressure J has been put under, she will tell the truth.

The Senior Family Court Welfare Officer was in Court as an observer. I was later told (which is to be proved) she was there for one reason only. For the case to go one way and there be no comeback on her department.

10.6.94 My mother is prevented from entering the Court as an observer by my Barrister, and only allowed in when I told him my wife’s friend was in the day before and was there again that day. D gives evidence.

In the summing up of the Judge I was vehemently accused of being a person I am not. It was even stated that the reason for my supposed behaviour was for my (poor?) upbringing, which was totally uncalled for and untrue. The only reference directed to this is in the Child Psychiatrist Report, from what my wife has said. I kept on looking behind to my mother, we both looked at each other in disbelief.

My mother has angina and has been admitted to hospital three times due to no contact with her granddaughter. I have repeatedly begged for J to ring her nan.

On leaving the Court, my Barrister would not allow me to appeal.

Over the coming weeks I did not receive a copy of the Court Order. This had been sent with the rest of my file to the cross draughtsman for costing. When I did get a copy, it had the wrong year of J’s DOB on it. When corrected, by this time, I was out of time to appeal.

19.7.94 My parents visit their Solicitor (my original) for him to represent them on getting to see J. When he realised the connection, he went to reception and my parents heard a lot of shouting. On his return, he made all sorts of excuses and seemed not to want to have anything to do with them.

He gave them the address of another Solicitor.

My mother said they would go as high as possible if needed. Their Solicitor then wagged his finger at them and said "If you do that, I will see to it, you never see your granddaughter again.".

Up to now they have seen no other Solicitor.

I must be getting a bit paranoid, but things that have happened seem to point towards a conspiracy, but I must be wrong!

5.8.94 I photo-copy my (complete) file from my Solicitor.

13.9.94 Appointment with my Solicitor. I query why I was not informed of several papers in my file. A letter from the Child Support Agency. I contacted these last year after finding a letter to my wife, at our home from them. They told me the case was closed. D had asked for me not to contribute and that decision could not be reversed.

I am even being denied my right to pay towards my daughter.

A note that refers to our first meeting with my Barrister. It states "I should prepare a detailed report of each and every complaint I had with the Court Welfare Officer, and handed to my Barrister on the day of the hearing". I did not do this, as I did not know about it.

Also, I should realistically consider two choices:

(1) Holding off completely for a period of six months to let J calm down and perhaps exercise written contact in between.

(2) Ask the Court if I could go before a Court Welfare Officer with J and have an addendum prepared to the report.

These were not mentioned to me before, or at the hearing and No (2), I was told by my Barrister, it was not possible to do.

An advice note from my Barrister dated after the hearing which needs reading several times as this was the person representing me, but totally putting me down.

And so the list goes on.

Next follows what was said about a letter to my Solicitor from the Court Welfare Officer:

Me: I’ve actually noticed, regards the Welfare Officer, I’ve not seen it before, she’s actually
(Ds W) told you, she’s frightened of me.

Solicitor: Yes. Yes, haven’t you seen that?

(NH)

DRW: No.

NH: Because, um, obviously we take a view of things here, if I’d have sent you anything which might have made you angry towards her or annoyed with her.

DRW: Not at all.

NH: It wouldn’t have helped you in future meetings with her. But certainly the Barrister’s seen it anyway, your case, the point is, well she actually made that point at the case, if I remember.

DRW: Well, there’s no need.

NH: I don’t think there’s any need. What she is, is she’s one of these as you saw, I think, one of these quite feminine-type ladies, I got the impression.

DRW: Well she’s in the wrong job then.

NH: Evidently, she’s quite anti-men, rather than pro-family, which is unfortunate.

DRW: Well it’s all wrong, well when she’s got a family of her own. It’s very strange.

(Our daughter is in a refuge with genuinely abused children and mothers and it is down to this woman why I can’t see her.)

I then thank my Solicitor for all that she has done for me, but will have to dispense with her services, as I suspect she is not able to do the job she would like, due to superior intervention.

28.9.94 I attend an appointment with an Investigations Officer from the DSS (since moving back into our home, I now know the reason why I was allowed to visit at certain hours, D had been doing lots of things behind my back including claiming several benefits she was not entitled to, as my wages did not stop until September 1993, were being paid into our joint bank account, of which the main user was D. She had several times (just prior to leaving) tried to persuade me to go with her to close the joint account and start single ones. I suspect the reason D left with J soon after I moved back in, was in fear of me discovering her wrong doing and not anything I supposedly committed.

The reason I was at this meeting was to pay back the money D was not entitled to, before they themselves found out and took action against her.

I explained what had gone on and what I was prepared to do but nothing was to be done, he didn’t want to know, WHY?

12.10.94 Final hearing, defence of the divorce, L Court.

13.10.94 I initially wanted to hand a sealed letter to the Judge which had my full intentions within. For him to keep, and open at the end of the case, he refused.

With representing myself, I was continually prevented from asking witnesses relevant questions on incidents that happened, such as "I will not allow you to continue with that line of questioning" and with a subpoena witness "Do not cross-examine your own witness" when my wife’s QC declined asking her any.

It got to a point that I could not continue, with not knowing what to ask, thus not being able to bring out facts to support my case. This also happened on the first day, so I awoke on the second day at 4.15 am to check and make sure that my questions met with the Judge’s approval, but no.

I felt I was being made an example of by "having the cheek" to defend a divorce (as there are only 50 a year in the whole country out of 150,000 because you are put off every step of the way by all concerned) for trying to keep my family together.

I even said everything on my daughter’s life was the truth, and was ridiculed for this.

In the Judge’s summing up, I was repeatedly called a tyrant (with venom). I have received this treatment at least three times before; it does not get any easier but it only makes me more determined, after I get over the shock, as I am in the right. After refusing the order to leave the house the following day, I have to sign a "General Form of Undertaking". The Judge agrees to see the letter I offered him the previous day (see attached).

A Decree Nisi is granted.

That evening:

3.10.94 See attached Affidavit

I NOW KNOW J IS BEING BRAINWASHED.

(No 3 in Affidavit/BOLD writing and following, back at 9.6.94.)

According to this book on PAS, there are three degrees of brainwashing. For J to be so convincing with professional people I suspect this to be a severe case. The reason for my wanting an independent expert witness.

No matter how hard I try and whatever proof I come up with, I feel so helpless knowing this is taking place and not being able to prevent this happening to J.

1.11.94 A brother signs an Affidavit confirming and adding to the one by a friend dated 31.10.94 (the one attached). Also several things I was not aware of.

8.11.94 I appoint a new Solicitor based in Lv. But I do not appear to be any better off, advice of go through the motions through the Courts. No immediate action to be taken, do virtually nothing for six months.

10.11.94 Appeal to the Decree Nisi sent for a hearing in London.

(1) His Honour Judge D was misled by the petitioner on most accounts of verbal and written statements, on oath, resulting in gross perjury, part of which I have been accused of being violent to my wife, which I have not. I now find out I will be branded a wife beater. Also I have been accused of marital rape, I have never in 15 years forced myself on my wife, Judge D classed this under Civil Law and had the option of Criminal Law, so I must at least feel lucky I am not in prison now.

(2) There was no evidence on which a finding could be based, apart from what has been stated by the petitioner, which I can prove to be wrong.

(3) His Honour Judge D misdirected himself by introducing reconciliation and therapy.

One reason why a marriage might not be working is that one partner has a problem which he or she has not addressed or even necessarily identified.

"During the course of the marriage problems originating in childhood may surface and reveal themselves in the shape of, say, alcoholism or drug abuse, the argument that such addictions have become evident because of the other partner’s attitude does not always hold water. Often these behaviour traits have been there in some form all the time, irrespective of the existence of the partner or of the marriage itself. In such a situation the partner with the problem should make every effort to seek professional help, rather than destroy the marriage because of something within himself or herself as an individual."

(D stated when we first met that she had an unhappy childhood. I do not know if this is true or not. I was always there if she wanted to talk about it.)

J and myself have both seen a Psychiatrist!

"Adults who as children suffered from disruptions of continuity may themselves, in "identifying" with their many "parents", treat their children as they themselves were treated – continuing a cycle costly for both a new generation of children as well as for society itself.

Thus, continuity is a guideline because emotional attachments are tenuous and vulnerable in early life and need stability of external arrangements for their development."

Quote by Lord Denning, Master of the Rolls, in 1981 (the year J was born):

"The family is the primary social unit. The well-being of the whole community requires that children should, so far as possible, be brought up by their own parents as members of one family . . . the institution of marriage is the legal foundation of this family life . . . The only real remedy is the growth of a strong public opinion condemning divorce, and I would add, condemning infidelity. It should not be regarded, as it is now, as the private concern of the parties with which no-one else has anything to do. It is the concern of everyone who has the welfare of the country at heart".

Also: "He has consistently stressed the importance of justice at the expense, if necessary, of the rules of the law. Overriding principles have appealed to him more than the constrictions of the law."

10.11.94 Application to be released from undertaking of ouster injunction filed.

18.11.94 It is now 71 weeks (500 days) since I have seen or even spoken to J. What I have experienced in Court to date (even with this new overwhelming evidence), I am not confident with the outcome as I have lost all respect with the law and feel this may be dismissed, as have all previous facts.

J is in real DANGER, WILL SOMEONE PLEASE HELP HER. I ask you not to accept what I say here as the truth, but for someone to look at the evidence I have to back up my story. I am appalled with the way I have been treated (have seen many people, some fairly) and it would seem that you stand a better chance when a person is guilty in Criminal Law than you have when innocent, involved in Civil Law (guilty, when known to be innocent or do not upset the status quo).

23.11.94 A sister-in-law signs an Affidavit.

23.11.94 I receive an application for an injunction from doing any act to the detriment of the home.

24.11.94 Release from undertaking of ouster injunction, L Court.

I attend with my parents as observers but they were not allowed to stay in the Court.

The Judge was reluctant to remove the injunction, I insisted that I did not want this hanging over my head with it being open-ended. (This to be brought in any time in the future without my knowledge of any hearing. The first I would know about it would be a visit by someone giving me a date to leave.)

I still do not know whether this is still in force.

I agreed to signing with regard the papers I received the day before, thus dispensing with wasting Court time setting up another date. This was, to not damage building or remove any property from the home (I later found this time to be costly, maybe getting home 30-40 minutes earlier than we did).

An ouster injunction at the defended divorce hearing. This was after I stated (as on previous occasions) I preferred my wife and daughter to be in the family home, where I presently reside, as they are in a refuge. I was not allowed to add anything to this statement. The next thing I know I am being told to vacate the home by noon the next day and then it was being decided what area I should not enter. With this I objected, as I thought this did not sound right and wanted legal advice on my rights.

Judge D adjourned to his chambers. I then heard my wife say to her Barrister "Can I now sell the house?" I want nothing from the house but that is my daughter’s home. Everything I have worked for. Judge D returned and I had to sign a "General Form of Undertaking" not to damage the house until an ouster injunction hearing could be arranged. I am making an application to be released from this undertaking as this can be in the near of distant future.

(With No 2, there are no grounds for divorce out of the five available.)

Under Grounds for Divorce

"It is not enough just to show that the marriage has broken down. If the petitioner fails to establish the particular fact on which she is relying, the Court will refuse a decree.

"Spouses are expected to put up with the ordinary wear and tear of married life. The test has been said to be (would any right-thinking person come to the conclusion that this husband has behaved in such a way that his wife cannot reasonably be expected to live with him, taking into account all the circumstances and the characters and personalities of the parties?)

"Courts go out of their way to discourage defended petitions and the District Judge will try to see any way of avoiding a defended divorce. Only if these efforts fail will the District Judge allow the case to go forward to a hearing of the divorce."

"Knowingly giving false information is perjury which is a criminal offence.

I certainly would never damage the property, as I have done without food, initially with worry about my family, and later I was just able to do without. I went from 14 stone in July 1993 when they left, down to 8 stone 9 lb in December 1993. I have struggled to pay the bills, but also with borrowing money from my father I have been doing the house up, for when eventually my family return, with or without my involvement.

I even asked how did I stand if someone, without my knowledge damaged the property, as it was a grey area and difficult to prove.

On the way home, we pass D’s father’s house, who lives up from La Hall, a mile from our home, all blinds and curtains are closed, then we pass him up the road on his way out in the car (going away, WHY?!).

We arrive at my home to find the door and post smashed in. I thought people would be inside denying me access, but no. I went outside and down the road was a police car, investigating another incident, who I alerted.

We all went inside to see what was missing. Washing machine; cot; budgie cage; lawnmower; 80+ piece dinner service (many of which I have added to in the last few months); all the saucepans, two of which were in the sink to be washed; an expensive Bonsai tree I bought for my wife, its terracotta dish missing and the tree dumped in the sink. Virtually everything from J’s room, with clothes she has well outgrown by now; most of her photos, my only reminder of her physically; (no photos of me, were taken for J). D’s clothes; jewellery; most of the towels, including one that was being used, most of the pillowcases that I washed the day before, in a bag to be ironed.

My wife has not been in the hose for 17 months, several items I have bought in this time are missing: personal papers; the list goes on, but worst of all some Christmas presents for this year I had bought for J and not wrapped yet. Eighty Christmas cards for Reunite that came at the end of October and put with decorations, all taken, three cards dropped on floor. A clock for our wedding from my mother’s sister, who died the day after seeing J for the first time. Mostly our wedding presents, and gifts her family had given us over the years.

With the time they have been away, most things they did not need.

It seems she is in her right to do what she and four or five other people with her (seen by various people) have done.

They actually did, what I was in the Court at the time promising not to do.

Someone rang the police from the Refuge later to confirm it was D (it’s alright, it was only us).

I have had someone in the house, for months, while I go out, usually my mother. At least she was not there at the time. After all she has gone through, I’m sure witnessing the break-in would have killed her.

It looks like there could have been a look-out, as several things had been stacked up on the floor, and others in bin bags.

Thinking later, I can recall seeing three men talking by a car (outside the Court) and stop and look as we crossed the road. I think they were still there over an our later as we left. The Court is half an hour from home. Were they also going to snatch my case papers/evidence?!

The Finances Directions hearing is on 1.12.94. I will refuse a future hearing until all items are returned. I suspect items taken are not all with my wife, the damage done will stay as it is until put right by those that did it. I have kept up the payments on the house insurance, but it does not cover a wife breaking in (not normal). This is just another pointer towards my wife’s true character. She thinks she is above the law:

Fraud

Abduction

Desertion

Child abuse, brainwashing (other offences I’ve seen in Affidavits)

Perjury (it would be easier to list the truth than the lies)

House break-in

Theft (taken before decision reached by the Courts).

She has used the System.

I just wish I was wrong, but if I am right my wife could be capable of doing anything and J is with her. If anything should happen to me, there are other people who will take over until justice is done.

I’ve tried to keep this short, I did not think it would amount to 16 pages and attachments, but with many hundreds of papers, I have left a lot out, which can be seen any time if required.

I would appreciate any kind of help or backing, not for me, this is all for J.

Thanking you in anticipation,

Yours sincerely

Ds W

1.12.95 J leaves message on answerphone (recording kept) first contact in 2� years.

7.12.95 Decided not to take medication or food until after I see J.

13.12.95 Rooftop protest. Wife’s Solicitor would advise her to let our daughter see me.

7 days 14.12.95

14 days 21.12.95 Letter delivered by hand to my wife’s Solicitor. It is now over a week since my demonstration. My intention was to stay on the roof until I saw J, but with an assurance there would be no delay, I came down. I have stayed on the hunger strike which I started on 7th December, as well as not taking my medication from the same day. I will not start until after I have seen J.

I rang the Solicitor later that day, he has spoken to my wife, J has supposedly told her she does not want to see me and NO PHONE CALL WAS MADE!!! He has read my letter and would forward it to my wife.

(LETTER DATED 4.1.96. Thank you for your letter dated 21.12.95 which we have forwarded to our client for her further instructions) Two week gap. Urgent.

21 days 28.12.95

2.1.96 My mum went to see wife’s Solicitor. Surprised I was still on hunger strike. He said it was about time J has her own Solicitor. He would contact one in Ld. Hear something in a few days.

28 days 4.1.96

8.1.96– Contacted wife’s Solicitor three times this week, no reply, delaying 12.1.96 tactics.

35 days 11.1.96

16.1.96 Went to wife’s Solicitor’s office, not there, asked if he could contact me, no reply.

17.1.96 My mum spoke to wife’s Solicitor, says he can’t communicate with me, rubbish, I have no Solicitor, I am representing myself (I am my Solicitor), he has to speak and write to me, fobbing-off tactics.

Gave number of Solicitor to represent J. I ring and find out HE HAS BEEN HER SOLICITOR FOR OVER A YEAR!!! He was abrupt and would not talk any more to me. Last saw J a year ago and wouldn’t look into it any further. Would not listen to the tape recording. I said as parents he should treat us equally and look after J’s best interest. What about my "parental responsibility", why was I not informed of his involvement?

42 days 18.1.96

24.1.96 Not seen or spoken to J for 932 days (133 weeks).

50 days 26.1.96 My wife has repeatedly stated that she will not stand in her way if J wanted to make contact. I fear what threats she has received to have absolutely no contact with any of my family for 2� years.

J has made contact with a local friend about three times in this period, all rushed, nervy phone calls which ended quickly when someone came near the phone.

No matter how ill I get, I cannot allow this abuse of our daughter to continue.

D W

Divorce Law
Personal Tragedy and Public Farce

 - -
April 1995

The forthcoming White Paper on divorce promises to end "quickie divorces" and reduce hostility. It will do neither – it will further increase fragmentation of the family and simply shift the human misery and hostility that inevitably accompanies it away from the courtroom and public gaze into the domestic scene to be picked up by the provisions of the Family Homes and Domestic Violence Bill – now going through the House of Lords. I offer my own account of the sordid reality of divorce that lies behind the bland rhetoric of the Laywers and Politicians – from a child’s and a parent’s point of view.

I was born in 1946, just after the War and never knew my father. He had been in the Army and deserted my mother when I was two years old. Whatever the reason I just hated him for the suffering he caused us. I lacked a whole raft of knowledge and schoolboy skills that boys learned from their fathers; knowledge about football, cricket and fishing and a general worldliness. My sister and I both lacked confidence because of not having a father and the effects have lasted through to the present day.

My mother had to bring up the family on her own on a small income and life for her seemed to be one long drudge. She had to leave early each morning to cycle 10 miles to work (she could not afford the bus fare) and came home late. Saturdays consisted almost exclusively of shopping and Sundays were taken up with washing, ironing and the occasional bout of gardening. My mother was always tired. We did not suffer crushing working-class poverty, but a humiliating and sordid middle class poverty, holding values and aspirations quite out of kilter with financial reality.

Hardship did not draw us together – it separated us. I felt a constant sense of pity for my mother coupled with an irrational anger that she should have prevented this happening and that she should manage things better. My mother was a source of constant frustration to me and I clearly needed a father to understand me, to challenge me and direct and control my mental and physical energies. These childhood experiences left me determined that my own children should be brought up in a physical and emotional security.

After I got married a daughter was born and I had not thought that such fulfillment and happiness was possible. She was particularly special because she was our "firstborn" and I felt that she was part of me and part of my future. We lacked money because my earnings were not great and my wife had stopped working. I had to work very hard because I was studying for my PhD as well as lecturing at a university and all my spare time was taken up with renovations to the house. We were keenly planning a period abroad if I managed to get the post-doctoral post in Canada that I was after.

But all these carefully constructed and hard worked for plans were shattered one evening that I shall never forget. Completely out of the blue, after I had put our daughter to bed, my wife announced that she had been having an affair with the brother of my best friend and wished to leave with our daughter to "sort herself out". I was deeply hurt and shocked and did not believe what was happening. My wife clearly had no understanding of the seriousness of her proposal and no understanding of my attachment to my daughter.

She was also acting quite irrationally. She said that she would get a small flat and that I could live nearby so that I could still "play a part" in my daughter’s life. Apart from any moral considerations this was unworkable from a purely practical point of view. All my career plans would have to be abandoned and I would have no means of supporting myself. I was very badly frightened. I moved into my daughter’s bedroom and, basically took over her care. My wife spent many evenings and most weekends with her "boyfriend". I just dropped my work and spent all my efforts trying to get friends involved to act as mediators. All to no avail, however, and I was forced to consult a Solicitor.

It was then that I was confronted with the full idiotic bigotry of the legal system. I found that I would have no chance in any custody dispute simply because I was a man. I was shocked and outraged that the law would support my wife but I was told that the law was not concerned with "who slept with whom" but simply with who could best look after the child. I pointed out that who slept with whom would be viewed as being very relevant to the question of who could best look after the child to most normal people. But I was told that my wife’s affair would probably count in her favour because my daughter would then have a "father figure" around. The argument that I put forward, that if I were to get custody I would work for reconciliation and allow my wife free access to my daughter, counted against me on the grounds that the tension would be bad for the child.

It was at this point that I mentally gave up and realised that I was being forced to take part in nothing more than a shabby farce. Strong pressure was put on me not to fight for custody but this conflicted with my powerful feelings towards my daughter and my natural sense of justice. My mind was made up for me when my wife’s lover phoned one evening and threatened that my wife would be difficult over access if I did not agree to her leaving. I decided then to fight to keep my daughter away from these evil people.

This provoked my wife into effecting an abduction of my daughter using male "bodyguards". In a state of great distress, anger and shock, I telephoned the police who traced her but refused to do anything about it or even tell me where she was because my wife had claimed that she had been threatened. The following day my wife came round with the police who kept me "guarded" in one room while she stripped the house of all the belongings of herself and our daughter. I was left in such a state of grief and anger that I had a complete mental breakdown, was unable to work, and had to receive medication.

It took almost a year for the custody case to be heard. I was only able to fight the case because, by that time, my contract of employment had terminated and I was rendered unemployed (for the first time in my life) and was therefore eligible for Legal Aid. My longer term career plans had by then been completely destroyed.

There then followed a stream of petty arguments over access and money with my wife set against a very distressing and provocative background. My daughter never wanted to go back to her mother after access visits and wanted to know "why she wasn’t living in Daddy’s house." I nearly always had to force her out of the car in tears. My wife’s boyfriend used to hide behind the front door watching. I was driven to distraction as I felt I was being forced to harm my own child and at the same time being blamed for it.

I was provoked beyond endurance on one access visit. I physically attacked my wife and picked up my daughter to take her away and back to her home. I then came to my senses and returned her and walked away. I had never physically attacked anyone before in my life, let alone a woman. I was then subjected to the further humiliation (set up by the mediator) of having to pick my daughter up in a public car park. I came very close to going away and never seeing my daughter again just to be able to preserve my dignity – and my sanity.

Despite a Welfare Officer report stating that we were both perfectly normal loving parents and strongly recommending joint custody, this was refused because of my clear hostility. Having got the custody she wanted and most of the equity in the house (in lieu of maintenance) my former wife then got a full time job, moved 30 miles further away and bought herself a new house. She subsequently moved twice again and lived with another boyfriend. The earlier "father figure" who had broken up my marriage and my daughter’s stable home departed the scene. My career was totally destroyed. I was unemployed and I was left with debts of around �10,000. Most seriously of all, I was in a state of chronic agitation and distress at losing my daughter, although unlike some unfortunate men, I was at least still in contact with her.

I took on some temporary work and struggled to survive on my own in my home so I could keep in contact with my daughter. But I could not earn enough money and debts mounted. The gas was cut off and, during a hard winter, I had no heating in the house and had to cook on a camping stove. I became more and more depressed and twice nearly committed suicide.

My mother then came up from London to stay with me and, because of her assistance, I managed to survive. Eventually, however, I had to sell the house at a very low price and move to London to live with my mother and get proper work. For the first time in 15 years I did not have a home of my own and I had to take up a junior position starting a new career from scratch.

I managed to keep in contact with my daughter under tremendous logistical difficulties. A round trip to collect her took some 12 hours by train and could be managed only with my mother’s noble efforts. Partly because of these difficulties and partly because of her developing new interests, my contact with my daughter has dwindled to mainly half-terms and holidays with the occasional extra long weekend. I have been refused permission by her school and the Education Authority to see my daughter at school or attend any functions.

My experiences have made me very bitter and very suspicious of both the law and of women generally. However, despite this, I have managed to get married again and have a son who is very dear to me and a wife who is very loyal and understanding. I have managed to buy another house which we share with my mother who is now frail and needs looking after. Debts have been largely paid off but I still have no pension (having had to cash in my previous one in order to survive) which causes me great anxiety.

My former wife has now married again and lives, with my daughter, with another man who is very wealthy. They have a large house with two new cars, horses, stables and an extra holiday cottage. They have a standard of living way beyond anything I could even dream of. Despite this, with the advent of the CSA, I am now liable to pay her substantial sums of money which (if enforced) would mean that, not only would I be unable to provide myself with a pension, I would have to leave my home yet again. This would entail still further disruption and hardship for myself and my family and I have no idea what would happen to my mother. We live with this "Sword of Damocles" constantly over us.

I am a respectable professional man who believes strongly in marriage and the traditional family and the need to bring up children in stable and wholesome environments. I also believe strongly in personal morality and respect for the needs of others. There is therefore something deeply wrong when I find myself completely at odds with what the State expects of me. We seem to have policy driven by the exotic and perverted ideas of an intelligentsia that is increasingly becoming removed from social reality. And the needs and values of ordinary men and women and their children are being marginalised and ridiculed by them. I am bringing up a young son and instead of looking forward to his getting married and having children (as I should be) I am fearful of it.

maj3

Dear Sir

I was divorced in January 1993. I have two children now aged 15 (C) and 13 (M). My ex-wife has been adulterous with a number of men during the marriage. Three are mentioned in the proceedings. These were long (eight months and 18 months) intimate affairs in which the two children were involved, ie considerable socialising all together behind my back and going into the men’s homes when their wives were away.

The children, with whom I had a loving and close relationship, were nevertheless brought up in latter years to keep all information from me, if possible. I never pressed them as they were having to lead a double life. I was just always there. For 2� years I took over the role of seeing the children off to school and being at school to pick up the youngest at 3.30 pm. Despite a very demanding job as a site engineer at a large industrial museum, my enlightened employer condoned my short working day, and wrote to the Court to say it could continue.

None of the affairs my wife involved herself in – there have been many more than the three – have lasted. I have been gentle and kind and forgiving, even after confronting her over the first of the last three mentioned. My consuming interest has been my children and my home life with them (and her if she wants it). I have always left her the option to go, or to come back into the family.

I have taken years of physical and emotional abuse – the last three affairs were flaunted in front of me. I have been punched in the face (for going to visit the headmaster) and slapped many times. I have had my possessi